It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I've written anything on here. Don't get me wrong, I've started 100 times, but still, the pages sit blank for months. I bump into people now and then who ask me where my blog has gone, and how much they miss reading it (I've changed from wantedourbaby over to here for a variety of reasons, main one being the name). I am usually flattered and a bit surprised, truth be told I never knew who, if anyone, was reading the blog and REALLY following along on our adoption journey.

I feel like I have so much to say, about adoption, about orphans, about this world we live in. But every time I go to write it down I stop, because I've realized, more than any other thing on this journey,

that I don't know anything

not really anyways.  I used to think I knew and understood adoption, and I don't. I know surface level things about orphans, and adoption, about the pain in the world, and even about how big our God really is.

Truth is, I watched God preform miracle, after miracle, after miracle on our adoption journey, and in some ways God has changed a part of me to my core, He did a work in me during that year that has me transformed, I can never go back to how I was, even if I wanted to.

On the flip side, there is also this shocking realization that after everything we walked through with Jesus,  I'm no different than I was before. It's like God led me through the Red Sea, and only minutes later I build a golden calf. (sound familiar?)

The truth is that this journey was HARD. It drained me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count, there was this hole inside of me, my thoughts were consumed by my child living 10,000 miles away. What if she didn't eat today? What if she got hurt today? What if?

In some ways I feel like I missed a whole year of reality because the adoption consumed me. How could I let that happen? But how could I have stopped it from happening? When I think about that, I think to myself I can never go through that again. I'm not strong enough.

Then I think about Esther, about how far we have come together. We've changed from a stranger and a terrified girl, to a mother and a daughter. We have gone from fear of this Mzungo calling herself "mommy" to this comfortable and deep love that is so real you can feel it. It amazes me that she fits so seamlessly into our family. Like she has always been with us, like we have always been with her. When I think about what I get to see, watching Jesus turn an orphan into a daughter, and work on not only Esthers heart, but my heart, I think to myself  how can I NOT do this again?

I think the biggest problem with adoption, is that we all watch "gotcha day" videos like they are going out of style. We decorate rooms, and we plan fundraisers, when what we really should be doing is suiting up for battle.

Adoption is war, and its a messy war. 

If we claim that Jesus has a stake in adoption, which I believe He does, than we are naive and fooling ourselves to think that the enemy doesn't. That he won't do anything and everything to stop Jesus from being victorious.

My friends, this is a spiritual and physical battleground. 

This journey is more than a 4-minute "gotcha" video. 

And it's not just the adoption that changed me, it's the African soil, it's that red clay. It's having my eyes opened to how other people really live in this world. If I close my eyes and think long enough, I can still feel the wind in my hair as I buzz around on the back of a boda-boda. I can still hear the music, and see the people crowding the streets. I can still see the trembling hands of the 15 year old runaway I prayed over, I can see her eyes when I handed her food and Bible, and the terror she had as we tried to find her a place to live. I can still see the poverty, the sickness, and the street children no older than my Eva digging through trash for food.

It's enough to change you, and it's enough to make you run away, because the weight of it all is so heavy.

It's impossible to bear without Jesus.

I don't know what I know anymore, I know it's not nearly as much as I thought. I know that God is good, that we live in a broken and suffering world, and that the Church has a responsibility to stand up for widows and orphans of the world.

I know that I will forever have a passion for orphans and adoptions, and I know that God cares about us all.

I will try to make more of an effort to blog about our trip, about what God did, because that's the whole point, right? Glory to God?

For now I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that we are here. We are not only surviving, but we are thriving. Esther is a beautiful, wonderful child, and we are so blessed to call her our daughter.

Until Next time,

The Harvey's

(By the way HERE is our gotcha video, you know, because they ARE fun).