It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I've written anything on here. Don't get me wrong, I've started 100 times, but still, the pages sit blank for months. I bump into people now and then who ask me where my blog has gone, and how much they miss reading it (I've changed from wantedourbaby over to here for a variety of reasons, main one being the name). I am usually flattered and a bit surprised, truth be told I never knew who, if anyone, was reading the blog and REALLY following along on our adoption journey.

I feel like I have so much to say, about adoption, about orphans, about this world we live in. But every time I go to write it down I stop, because I've realized, more than any other thing on this journey,

that I don't know anything

not really anyways.  I used to think I knew and understood adoption, and I don't. I know surface level things about orphans, and adoption, about the pain in the world, and even about how big our God really is.

Truth is, I watched God preform miracle, after miracle, after miracle on our adoption journey, and in some ways God has changed a part of me to my core, He did a work in me during that year that has me transformed, I can never go back to how I was, even if I wanted to.

On the flip side, there is also this shocking realization that after everything we walked through with Jesus,  I'm no different than I was before. It's like God led me through the Red Sea, and only minutes later I build a golden calf. (sound familiar?)

The truth is that this journey was HARD. It drained me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count, there was this hole inside of me, my thoughts were consumed by my child living 10,000 miles away. What if she didn't eat today? What if she got hurt today? What if?

In some ways I feel like I missed a whole year of reality because the adoption consumed me. How could I let that happen? But how could I have stopped it from happening? When I think about that, I think to myself I can never go through that again. I'm not strong enough.

Then I think about Esther, about how far we have come together. We've changed from a stranger and a terrified girl, to a mother and a daughter. We have gone from fear of this Mzungo calling herself "mommy" to this comfortable and deep love that is so real you can feel it. It amazes me that she fits so seamlessly into our family. Like she has always been with us, like we have always been with her. When I think about what I get to see, watching Jesus turn an orphan into a daughter, and work on not only Esthers heart, but my heart, I think to myself  how can I NOT do this again?

I think the biggest problem with adoption, is that we all watch "gotcha day" videos like they are going out of style. We decorate rooms, and we plan fundraisers, when what we really should be doing is suiting up for battle.

Adoption is war, and its a messy war. 

If we claim that Jesus has a stake in adoption, which I believe He does, than we are naive and fooling ourselves to think that the enemy doesn't. That he won't do anything and everything to stop Jesus from being victorious.

My friends, this is a spiritual and physical battleground. 

This journey is more than a 4-minute "gotcha" video. 

And it's not just the adoption that changed me, it's the African soil, it's that red clay. It's having my eyes opened to how other people really live in this world. If I close my eyes and think long enough, I can still feel the wind in my hair as I buzz around on the back of a boda-boda. I can still hear the music, and see the people crowding the streets. I can still see the trembling hands of the 15 year old runaway I prayed over, I can see her eyes when I handed her food and Bible, and the terror she had as we tried to find her a place to live. I can still see the poverty, the sickness, and the street children no older than my Eva digging through trash for food.

It's enough to change you, and it's enough to make you run away, because the weight of it all is so heavy.

It's impossible to bear without Jesus.

I don't know what I know anymore, I know it's not nearly as much as I thought. I know that God is good, that we live in a broken and suffering world, and that the Church has a responsibility to stand up for widows and orphans of the world.

I know that I will forever have a passion for orphans and adoptions, and I know that God cares about us all.

I will try to make more of an effort to blog about our trip, about what God did, because that's the whole point, right? Glory to God?

For now I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that we are here. We are not only surviving, but we are thriving. Esther is a beautiful, wonderful child, and we are so blessed to call her our daughter.

Until Next time,

The Harvey's

(By the way HERE is our gotcha video, you know, because they ARE fun).

God Gave Us You.

The first time Eva laughed is one of the dearest treasures I have in my heart. We were laying in my bed on a lazy afternoon and I was just staring at her. She was wearing just a diaper, it was summer time and the flowers smelt wonderful. I gave her belly a big-old kiss impulsively, and right after she let out this loud, unexpected, and, if I'm being honest, half-alien sound that caught me totally off guard. I looked up, shocked, to see her grinning from ear to ear and my heart leaped.

She laughed, I thought to myself.

For the next hour I tried everything I could to replicate that sound. I made faces, I tickled toes, I kissed her belly, all with the hopes that I would hear that sweet, sweet sound again. Every toothless giggle, every coughing-alien laugh made my heart leap with more and more joy, and sent my mothers heart into a deeper place of love for my Eva. My sweet child.

Her firsts.

I was there for them all.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that. Her first steps, her first laugh, her first words (which happened to be "da-da" despite my months of  slipping "say mama" into every possibility I could).

I watched it all.

I watched her spit out her first few rounds of home made organic baby food that I slaved over in the kitchen with no clue what I was doing. I watched her learn to lift her head, to roll over and to crawl. I watched her take words and put them into sentences, and I remember the joy in my heart when she told me she loved me for the first time with no prompting.

I haven't missed many moments. I am thankful for that.

And thought watched them all with great joy and great excitement, I also took them all for granted.



Because I have none of these with Esther.

Today, we celebrated her 7th birthday, and though it was a fun day and a "first" I found myself wondering, at one point, if she was really 7. Or if today was really even her birthday.

In the adoption world, these things are unknown far too often.

I wondered, if she was born today as we were told; what was it like? What was I doing 7 years ago today? Did my heart stop for a moment when she entered the world?

I don't know. I will never know.

I wasn't there.

I wasn't there to hear her first words, or to nurse her at 2am when she was hungry. I wasn't there to see her first steps. Ill never know the sounds inside of her first laugh.

And I weep for the moments I'll never have.


Adoption is hard.

It feels unfair- to me, to her birth family, to her. When death cheats parents, and life rips them away, no one ever gets everything in these scenarios.

Its enough to overwhelm a person if you let it, but I cant. We cant. We wont ever have all of the answers, to adoption or to life. We are just imperfect people, leaning on God and trusting Him to make it through.

And though we walk through the hard, we also dance through the good.

Because Esther turning 7, was such a gift.

She is an incredible child.

Tonight at prayer time, (after the 30 minute dance party and all of the cake and cookies) I tucked my sweet birthday girl in and together we made our own first.

Our own first birthday memory.

It felt really good.

After praying she said to me,

"I want to tell you a secret, you're the most beautiful mom ever and I'm so happy God gave me you. I love you so much, you're a good mommy and you love me."

This of course was also after her "made up" bed time story about a beautiful princess girl with no family who found a mom and a dad and a sister and they said to her, "We love you, come! Don't ever be alone again."

Be still my heart.

We might not have all of the firsts, but we have all of the future, and friends that has made me even more appreciative of the here and the now.

So take more pictures.

Make more videos.

Save more drawings.

And, If you are missing moments like we are, hold tight to Jesus and embrace and remember every new memory and every new first.

Life is a gift my friends.

Remember that.

Until next time,

Ashleigh

When Life Gives You Fibbers, Add Salt. Or Don't.

When we were awaiting bringing Esther home, I had a mom tell me,

"I think what you are doing is SO awesome. I'm just not a good enough mom, I would be so afraid I would ruin my adopted kid."

To which I quickly replied,

"Me too! I often fear the same thing!" 

Now I really don't think that was the answer she was expecting. For some reason a lot of people out there seem to be of the impression that you have to earn a certain GPA in mothering to adopt. 

Let me prove to you, just how wrong you are. 

Now that we are home the most popular first question people have for us is "How is it going? How is everyone adjusting?" 

TeJays answers are always fluid, rational and truthful. He usually says things like "Amazing! I can't believe how well Esther is adjusting, she is just incredible." 

While this is entirely true (we hit the "jackpot" in adoption I suppose) my answers usually sound something like this...

"The kids? Did I lose them? Because I forgot the laundry money in the lunchbox and the dog ate my brain."

Now this isn't because I don't think things are going well, because they are, its just because, well...most days I feel like I live in a zoo. 

A zoo with two unusually loud creatures that I cannot get enough of, who also coincidentally may or may not scare me into eating chocolate alone in the bathroom.

I feel like I wake up 8 things behind on my to-do list, and for the life of me I can't figure out who wears all these clothes that need washing, or where exactly I put the cheese (which turned out to be the cupboard, true story).

Some days, I feel like this...

But I am an optimist by nature (and by Grace)and I usually start the morning ready and eager to tackle the day. 

Okay, who am I kidding, optimist or not, no one likes getting out of bed. I wake up like this every day.

But then I get out of bed, 

And to give me a glimmer of hope that I will survive this parenting thing, I utter things like...

"Oh, no, not I! I will survive!" 

So I get out of bed and I say

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

But, sometime in-between the fifth argument over a toilet paper roll or "telescopes" as my kids call them, and right before the epic who-gets-to-potty-first battle, I can usually be found saying...

"Wait until your father comes home!"

Because sometimes its all I've got left. 

Usually, I am okay with that. He is bigger, stronger, and more influential than I am.

God, however doesn't want to let up on the whole "growing me in Christ" thing, because on a totally random and cozy Sunday night (notice how things are never "random" with God??) I sit with my husband to listen to a Mark Driscoll sermon where he says, and I quote...

"A Mom at her wits end says 'wait until your dad comes home.' If that needs to be said the children are not obeying and honoring both their father and their mother." 

Mom-0

Army Kids-1

(SIDE NOTE- Its a fantastic sermon and one I TOTALLY needed to hear, listen HERE!)

But that is my life. I love my life. It's crazy, lovely, wonderful, chaotic, colorful and tiring. But my God has blessed me, He loves me, He is growing me, and I love Him for loving me.

My life, and mothering, is a little bit of coffee and A LOT of grace.

Okay, that's a fib. There is a lot, not a little, of coffee involved too. 

Speaking of lies, apparently all kids tell them!

In an effort to  be the lie squasher and this mom..." Her children arise up, and call her blessed" (Proerbs 31:28)I have decided to employ more "teachable moments" in my day-to-day routine.

There have been a few successes, and there have also been a few failures. Like the ice cream one I posted on Facebook earlier. 

I saw THIS  blog on Pinterest about teaching your kids about lying in a tangible (and tasty) way. I thought "YES! Teachable moment!" 

How can this go wrong? 

Oh, with kids like mine? Very easily.

I do as instructed. I take regular ice cream, and I sprinkle salt on top to represent the "lie" and explain that the ice cream still looks the same, but that we know its there. 

Then, with a smug smile and half posed to begin my "nailed-it" dance, my kids eat the salt covered ice cream.

AND THEY LIKE IT. 

Seriously? WHO IS YOUR MOTHER AND WHAT DOES SHE FEED YOU IF YOU THINK SALT ON ICE-CREAM TASTES GOOD!

I, naturally not wanting to accept a parenting fail, assume that I simply hadn't sprinkled enough salt on the first go around. So a take a SPOON FULL and dump it on each of the girls bites. 

Sure of myself this time, I kick my heels back and slyly explain that THIS bite is like a full blown lie, not a fib. Then I say,  how does it taste now?

Both girls take a bite, unsure at first. But a mixture of excitement, curiosity, disgust and wildness floods their eyes. 

I shudder in terror immediately. 

While Esther seemed to not like the taste, she eats it all anyways and asks for more.

Okay, not quite what I was hoping for...but I will take it... 

 Eva (where did I go wrong Lord?) eats the bite and then LICKS her spoon and bowl clean, asking for more.

WHY! WHY!!!

Esther chimes in with agreement telling me to sprinkle just a "little fib" on their next round of ice-cream.

And mom of the year goes to....

So seriously, when people say things like 

"I would be so afraid of adoption, I would totally screw my kids up." 

Rest assured that I, very honestly say,

"Me too. I am very terrified of that exact thing."

Because on my own, on our own, this job is too big. It's too long, and to hard, and too draining, and too much. 

Luckily we don't have to do it alone. We can ask God to help us. 

We have a big God, big enough for these jobs.

And, comedy aside, I guarantee that YOU, YOURSELF with all of your own salty-ice-cream moments are a better mother than any orphanage will ever be.

These kids don't need perfect parents. 

They just need parents. 

I am NEVER going to be a perfect mother. Sometimes I will fail them, sometimes I will fail myself. But that will not define me, grace and my Lord will define me, and with His help I will see this job through. 

Point is, if adoption is on your heart (or any journey is on your heart) don't let the "I'm not a good enough mom" lie stop you. I promise you our God is big enough.

And seriously, a little salt never killed anyone, right?

Until Next Time,

The Crazies Harveys

Crazy Love

God's love for his people is mind-blowing crazy. This kind of love has no rivalry or competitor. The love of God is outrageous, the way he loves us is CRAZY! It's so insanely passionate and wild, it's a concept like no other. It's madness!! It's unmatched, it's unstoppable, it's "the loftiest idea in literature" it's indescribable, its unimaginable! It makes my heart race to think about the small surface of love that I know about Him.

Gods love is wildly awesome and radical.

People who emulate this kind of love are very easy to pick out and notice.
It doesn't take very long to notice them either, because there is something just different about these kinds of people.

They are humble people, giving people, loving people, and most of the time all around awesome people.

Their love, and their stories are always contagious.

I am lucky to know people with just this sort of wild love.

This is my friend Nicole and her husband Daniel. 

<----(Seriously, is this the 

cutest picture ever?!)

We met earlier this year during our adoption journeys and become friends very quickly. Though we have never met in person, I honestly consider her to be a very close friend of mine. I cherish our friendship and conversations, and she still talks to me even though I am literally the WORST TEXTER ever known to man-kind.

She is pretty amazing. She has helped me through some rough times, as well as celebrated with me during some really happy times. She is such a gift to my life! I love this girl!! 

They have been home from Uganda with their THREE children, yes you saw that right, THREE since December. She was my main contact and source of information on Esther during the times we were apart, and I will forever be thankful for that!!!!

 <--Talk about cuties!!!

So, now Nicole is the lucky and blessed mom of these six, yes SIX, crazy cool kids that she never stops talking about.

She is one of those people who was just meant to be a mom. 

As if she wasn't awesome enough, their family has decided they aren't complete yet. 

A boy named "Wilson" (this is just his alias name) has been on their hearts for months now, and they couldn't "shake" him off. So, they have decided with the huge love in their hearts to adopt,

AGAIN!! 

(WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! 7 kids?! I need a nap just thinking about that!)

No, but seriously, this family loves to love, and has a lot of love to give. It really doesn't surprise me at all that they are adopting again, that's just who they are. People full to the brim with love. 

This is "Wilson."

This adoption is expected to go quickly. "Wilson" happens to be HIV + and because of this would likely still be waiting for a family if Nicole and her posse didn't commit to taking him.

As you guys remember, adoption is EXPENSIVE! They are still recovering from the first adoption expenses (imagine our expenses...times 3!!) but they trust God and believe all of the pieces will fall together where they need to.

I'm telling you guys, this family has a whole bunch of HUGE hearts!! 

I made this video for her to share with people, and I hope you enjoy! 

For more information about HIV parenting, Nicole has suggested these resources:

http://projecthopeful.org/

http://www.ncregister.com/blog/jennifer-fulwiler/8-surprising-facts-about-adopting-hiv-kids

http://www.aidsbeacon.com/news/2009/10/08/aids-and-adoption-part-two-adopting-an-hiv-positive-child/

And if you would like to support his family, visit HERE

I will keep you all posted on their journey as well =)

Thanks guys, much love to you all! 

I Don't Just Sit Around Eating BonBons All Day....hmm Where IS The Chocolate?

So seriously, what on earth have I been doing? My mom used to say growing up that being a stay at home mom was more than eating Bonbons and watching soap operas, and she is right. I feel like I do so much more than that right now (though a day of soap operas and chocolate really doesn't sound disgusting to me at this point).

My house is never clean, the laundry is never done, my to-do list seems to grow rather than shrink and there just aren't ever enough hours in the day.

But we are happy.

God showed up in a BIG way during our 7 weeks in Africa, and I can't wait to tell you all about it....when I have an extra 3 seconds. For right now, I will have to let pictures of our family suffice.

Lets just say life is hard, easy, happy, and crazy right now. Our Essie is home forever and we (okay God) ended the race God gave us!

Like I said, I will be back to blogging about orphans, and adoption, and chocolate sometime in the near future. But for the non Facebook users out there, here is a our story in a photo recap!

I am not even sure how this is possible, but we have been home for OVER A MONTH! WHAT! Where has the time gone?

Waiting to meet Sissy.

First seconds meeting daddy.

Safe in Dads arms.

Besties. 

I love this place. Seriously.

On a tour of the Bugandan palace.

Grocery store.

Beautiful Lake Victoria. Also the source of the Nile.

Our dear friends.

The skies in Uganda are unreal. 

On an afternoon stroll.

The Nile. It's as awesome as you think and then some.

Boating around! 

Boda Boda.

Home for Christmas! Okay, that's true. But we had Christmas round 2 in March! 

Arcade time.

First trip to the Library.

First time playing in the snow. 

Home for Easter, FOR REAL!

Snuggling. 

These two are ALWAYS dressing up.

Baby girl got that right! LOVE makes a family.

Can I give you all a hug! Seriously, we would NOT BE HOME WITHOUT YOU! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! God moved some SERIOUS mountains during our time in Africa, and we are forever changed because of it. I just can't wait to tell you all about it, but its 1:30 and I haven't showered yet. So for the sake of my children and husband I better leave you hanging for a little bit longer.

For those local to the area, we are giving a summary of our journey on April 22nd 2013 at Living Stones Reno at 445 S Virginia St  Reno, NV 89501 at 6:30 pm. We will be providing pizza, anyone and EVERYONE is welcome to come! We REALLY hope to see you guys there! 

MUCH, MUCH love to you all!

-TeJay, Ashleigh, Eva and Esther 

Home forever as a family March 9th 2013th. 

GOTCHA!