The first time Eva laughed is one of the dearest treasures I have in my heart. We were laying in my bed on a lazy afternoon and I was just staring at her. She was wearing just a diaper, it was summer time and the flowers smelt wonderful. I gave her belly a big-old kiss impulsively, and right after she let out this loud, unexpected, and, if I'm being honest, half-alien sound that caught me totally off guard. I looked up, shocked, to see her grinning from ear to ear and my heart leaped.
She laughed, I thought to myself.
For the next hour I tried everything I could to replicate that sound. I made faces, I tickled toes, I kissed her belly, all with the hopes that I would hear that sweet, sweet sound again. Every toothless giggle, every coughing-alien laugh made my heart leap with more and more joy, and sent my mothers heart into a deeper place of love for my Eva. My sweet child.
Her firsts.
I was there for them all.
I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that. Her first steps, her first laugh, her first words (which happened to be "da-da" despite my months of slipping "say mama" into every possibility I could).
I watched it all.
I watched her spit out her first few rounds of home made organic baby food that I slaved over in the kitchen with no clue what I was doing. I watched her learn to lift her head, to roll over and to crawl. I watched her take words and put them into sentences, and I remember the joy in my heart when she told me she loved me for the first time with no prompting.
I haven't missed many moments. I am thankful for that.
And thought watched them all with great joy and great excitement, I also took them all for granted.
Because I have none of these with Esther.
Today, we celebrated her 7th birthday, and though it was a fun day and a "first" I found myself wondering, at one point, if she was really 7. Or if today was really even her birthday.
In the adoption world, these things are unknown far too often.
I wondered, if she was born today as we were told; what was it like? What was I doing 7 years ago today? Did my heart stop for a moment when she entered the world?
I don't know. I will never know.
I wasn't there.
I wasn't there to hear her first words, or to nurse her at 2am when she was hungry. I wasn't there to see her first steps. Ill never know the sounds inside of her first laugh.
And I weep for the moments I'll never have.
Adoption is hard.
It feels unfair- to me, to her birth family, to her. When death cheats parents, and life rips them away, no one ever gets everything in these scenarios.
Its enough to overwhelm a person if you let it, but I cant. We cant. We wont ever have all of the answers, to adoption or to life. We are just imperfect people, leaning on God and trusting Him to make it through.
And though we walk through the hard, we also dance through the good.
Because Esther turning 7, was such a gift.
She is an incredible child.
Tonight at prayer time, (after the 30 minute dance party and all of the cake and cookies) I tucked my sweet birthday girl in and together we made our own first.
Our own first birthday memory.
It felt really good.
After praying she said to me,
"I want to tell you a secret, you're the most beautiful mom ever and I'm so happy God gave me you. I love you so much, you're a good mommy and you love me."
This of course was also after her "made up" bed time story about a beautiful princess girl with no family who found a mom and a dad and a sister and they said to her, "We love you, come! Don't ever be alone again."
Be still my heart.
We might not have all of the firsts, but we have all of the future, and friends that has made me even more appreciative of the here and the now.
So take more pictures.
Make more videos.
Save more drawings.
And, If you are missing moments like we are, hold tight to Jesus and embrace and remember every new memory and every new first.
Life is a gift my friends.
Remember that.
Until next time,
Ashleigh
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